辛い

最近、毎日辛い。

毎日何かに追われてて、毎日過去に囚われていて無気力になる。

今私は泣いている。

かなりの精神的ストレスを感じているのだろう。

原因はもちろん就職活動。始めるのが遅い＋割と野心的な自分のせいでこんな思いになっている。

ありえないよ。

でも今日はJETROを書いて、Haagen Datzの準備をして、BOSCHの下書きもある程度やった。

自分は心底社会不適合者で、今後社会でちゃんと生きていけるか自信がない。

人との繋がりを欲してる。

コミュニティに属したい、人と会いたい。

この自分に対する不満と鬱憤を彼氏に向けている。申し訳ないと同時に、もう無理なんじゃないかと思う。こんな自信がなくて何をやってもダメで生きるのにこんなに苦しんで辛い思いをして毎日何とか過ごしている自分をまず好きになって、どうにかしないともう誰ともちゃんとした関係を築けないのではないかと思う。

I've read my blog post from a year ago. In April. And I would like to write down what I felt reading it, and how much growth I've achieved in a year. 

Right now, I'm busy just getting out of everyday alive. Every day, I am compelled to complete a task that I set for myself. And I feel lethargic. Not feeling like doing anything. But still constantly being chased by deadlines. 

I have to stop feeling stressed. There is literally just demerits without merits.

How I feel about my boyfriend

I feel that he is very caring about me, but he is just incapable of catching my feelings and acting upon it. He just can't say the right things. It's really annoying talking to him, to be extremely honest. He has an offer from one of the biggest corporations in Japan. His life must be good. But he should really think about the situation that I am in. He can't. 

Interacting with him teaches me how to deal with Japanese people, which is a skill I do need when job hunting. I'm actually scared what might come after I'm done with job hunting though. 

It's not his fault I don't feel very comfortable talking to him because he's from a different background than I am. But yet, difference is difference, and stress arises. When I find someone who is more fitting and better for me, I must make the tough choice of leaving him. But it's for the best.

It's annoying when he tells me he's having fun and I'm in despair. I have the choice to distance myself from him, and I am not obliged to inform him about my job hunting situations. I don't owe him anything. Literally talking to him really stresses me out and that is who I am and if he can't accept it then it's too bad. I don't need any more stress in my life. I would confront him but it's too energy draining and I do not have time for that.

How I feel about my friends

They've been there for me during my hardest times and given me such sweet words. In a way, they are all like me.

I want to thank Mizuho, Sakae, Rina, Aki, Aoi, Shoko, Shuhan for being there for me when I need them the most. They will forever be engraved in my heart. 

Whether the job hunting goes successful or not, the fact that they've supported me throughout this deafening experience.