Calm Down

2019/04/13

Calm Down!

today, I had first and second period classes.

On the train, I had to get off to pee and had to stand in the crowded train for an hour. I will try to go to the bathroom once now and then.

And, I edited my friends' ES first to help them, and second to get the idea of what to write if my turn comes to write it.

And, I had Global Leadership class, where I (hopefully) made friends with some people. 

It's incredibly difficult to keep being a good hearted person in this ruthless furnace of the world. I believe you have to be extra strong to balance being a good person and a successful person. People tell me I shoudlnt try to be a good person, but if I'm not, then I'd hate myself and that leads to stress. I think I should always respect new people I meet, and if they are worth giving love for, then I'll continue being nice to them, but if they prove themselves wrong, then I should literally act as if they don't exist.

But its so hard to be strong in face of such adversity. I need to be extra careful in selfcare and not accumulating stress so much. I'm obviously different from others, and I need to treat myself extra nicely to survive in this world.

You might tell me, well, if you're weak, then accept it. Don't try too hard.

I was like that before, but I have a goal I want to achieve in the future -  I want to work in East Asia, save the planet, and give my children good life. So I will not give in. I will work hard.

Measures I take to control myself is

1) take rest. Its not slacking, its a strategic rest. without sufficient rest and sleep, i cannot function.

2) exercise everyday.

3) drink camomile tea or rooibos tea when stressed.

4) keep organized. keep a good schedule

5) meditate

6) watch TED talk to keep sanity

7) listen to good music 

I got health check up, and confided to the doctor about my anxiety. He simply said, "明日できることは今日やらない", while reading a book. Wow. What a wisdom. That's why I like old people. But, there are just certain things you have to do. It's important to keep this attitude, though.

Then I was overwhelmed and my heart was pounding, so I slept in the okuma garden. It was exquisite. I remebered about him, and wondered how he's doing. The frequency has definitely decreased and I couldn't be happier.

THen, I drank camomile tea. I was surprised to see how much of it calmed me down. I will buy a thermal water bottle and camomile tea bags.

I did 計量経済学, put them on notes. I couldn't finish it so ill finish it today.

then, nikkori 説明会。i was so happy to meet my friends joan and rian, and had so much fun talking to them. 

the hell. the dinner after the setsumeikai was just so difficult. because i feel everything on a very high level, it was just so overwhelming. hearing stories of a horrible man really crushed me on a deep level. i think i won't go to the dinner after meeting, or if i do, i will leave early. never stay until late. even when people think youre 付き合いが悪い, they are not gonna give you extra hours of sleep, right? theyre not gonna take responsibility for your deterioration of health. so ignore them.

i was just reminded of the fact that i need to stay strong in this fucking ruthless furnace of the world, and that comes with controlling myself. when i am tired, i tend to get my head wrapped up in a spiral of negative thoughts and make horrible, terrible decisions.

i believe good days are coming.