Why I Cut Him Off
I have dedicated many of the articles I wrote to seek an answer to the question that has bothered me for three months; Why did I block him?
Because emotions always get the best of me, I want to understand him and our relationship in totality -including the good and the bad, evaluate my decisions and learn the mistakes so that I do not repeat them again in the future.
Before we get onto finding an answer to this question, let's go over our history.
Love→Fuck you→love→forgiveness
The first week
We met in the summer program in Beijing and were in the same group. I remember the first time I met him. He seemed like the type who has a strong opinion and only gives his attention to people who he thinks would benefit him. Me, being young and not exceptionally pretty, probably was not in his interest. So, I was very scared of him. I introduced myself to him, and he just briefly eyed me, maybe he introduced himself a little, and just walked away. He obviously did not really put much importance in me; he probably thought I was not worth giving his time. I found him scary, he found me not interesting. Never did I imagine I would end up falling for him at this moment.
The first few days, we did some ice-breaking games such as scavenger hunt as a group. He and I were put into the same group and, to my surprise, we went around the campus together. He seemed to be a practical and competitive person, just wanting to win in anything he did. It was just a little fun game with a purpose to get to know each other; instead, he went for quality and winning. His Machiavellian style scared the shit out of me and I hoped I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever. I feel like I had such a horrible first impression of him. His eyes had no light in him; even when he smiled, I noticed his eyes didn't.
The next interaction I had with him that I remember is at the great wall. At dinner, he was sat next to me and asked me where in Turkey I lived. I simply answered Istanbul. That was the end of the conversation. I was too scared to carry on the conversation and he did not seem too interested either. I think he felt like he had to say something because we were in the same team and I happened to sit next to him. On his other side was Catherine, a pretty Chinese girl. He asked her why she did not come to the drinking party the other night, and that he and his friends were waiting for her. I think she was his favorite for sure. At least at this point, he was going for her. I have witnessed them walking together and talking to each other several times on campus. Others have commented on him possibly liking her. At the time, I did not feel anything, but later when I fell for him, this girl Catherine bothered me very much. I think she was his type; she is cute, has porcelain skin, quiet, seemingly obedient, and has beautiful hair. From these clues, I would like to conclude that he had some type of feeling for her, whether it was lust or love. I used to get emotions of jealousy get the best of me when I thought about this, but now that I think logically, I can calmly say that he liked her. Later in the program, when people told me they thought he liked Catherine and I told him I found her pretty, he did not negate me. He didn't say anything, but later, he told me that I look so much prettier than her. But, in December, he dared to upload a picture of him with Catherine, knowing I'd see it. When I commented on the picture, saying she was cute, he did not negate again.
I saw him reading the book for his stream on the bus and thought he was kind of majime.
The Whisky Night
I do not remember much about him before the whisky night because obviously, we did not give a shit about each other. However, it all changed during the whisky night. I was so disappointed in the guys for belittling their significant others. I was very down, but I wasn't crying. My friend told me he was coming, so I had a very strategic thought; I lay down on the bed, pretending to cry. I wasn't trying to solicit any reaction from him, but I think I had a small hope that he would find me very pure and different. He came in, and boom. He fell for it. My friend told him how I was shocked to hear cheating stories. The way he looked at me changed. He was studying me intently and I felt it. I asked him if sex feels good and he answered saying that he had some fantasy about it in the past but now it's not that much of a big deal. I think he went back to his room after that. Later he told me that was the moment he got interested in me. Looking back, I think I am very adept at the skill of seduction -which is to turn disinterest into rabid desire. According to Raj Persaud, the essence of seduction is to fill the unmet need in a way that's never been filled. Living in a competitive environment full of fake people, he probably had not met someone pure like me. (Whether I am truly pure or not remains debatable lol), and I filled his need for authenticity.
After that, the way he interacted with me changed drastically. From disinterest to rabid desire, for sure. He wanted to walk with me and when he did, he touched my back a lot. He wanted to eat lunch with me and invited me to the Watertown. He was obviously falling for me. And honestly, it didn't feel bad to be desired. I did not shake him off. I think I liked it because it always feels good when someone of authority and power is exclusively nice to you.
Gubei Watertown
He described it as the best memory in the program. Before going, we went to get ice cream. On the bus, we sat next to each other and talked about things. He told me that he was in KATUSA while in the military and that he chose to study management in Tsinghua because at the moment he thought if he had gone into society he would ruin it. I remember thinking what the fuck because it's very unlikely that a mere person at his age and experience would be influential enough to make any kind of impact on society. Now that I think about it, it represents his undying confidence in himself. I was sleepy so I tried to sleep. He had his arm in front of me, and he probably liked my hair touching his arm as my head bounced on every bump on the road.
I remember being scared of him again because he was obviously annoyed at a few Chinese people cutting in line. He was losing his chill.
On the way home, he was sat next to me. I pretended to sleep. He thought I was asleep so he put his head on my shoulder, and moved his hand gradually so that it touched mine. It was pure happiness, not going to lie. After we got back to the dorm, he told us that he isn't sleepy anymore. I think he wanted to stay with me longer. When he told us to send the pictures and we did, he demanded us to send them in higher resolutions. He is very meticulous and gives attention to the smallest things.
On the next day, I had to meet up with Saku. On the way out of the campus, I encountered him by chance; he went out to get coffee. He asked me what I'm doing and I told him I'm seeing a friend. It was the first time we met just the two of us, so I was kind of awkward and left quickly. He commented that he thought I acted strangely that day. At night, we went to get dinner at a Korean restaurant. I was with Saku, so I didn't think I could make it. I sent people messages saying that I can't make it, and he personally messaged me telling me to come no matter how late it would be. He really wanted me there.
in the restaurant, we drank a lot and I was a bit drunk. On the way back, he had his arm around my shoulders and helped me walk properly. Honestly, I was not that drunk and I could walk but the attention felt superbly nice. He took me to the bathroom. He asked me if I like any guys from the camp, and I answered the Asian guy from Hutong and the old counsellor. I don't think he expected those answers lol. I honestly wasn't really interested in any guy from the camp, knowing how immature and immoral they were. When we were alone, he dragged my shoulders and told me that when he comes to Japan in November, I should let him see my parents and such. Later I pretended as if I don't remember this moment, but I do. Clearly. When we went back to the dorm, I texted him saying I wanted water. I think I was trying to seduce him too because at this point I definitely knew he liked me. I had so many water bottles in the room but I hid them all in the drawers. He came, with a handful of water. I think he expected something sexual to happen but I am too morally strict to let any man do that. He came in, perused the room, and sat on the bed where I was also sat on. We talked about things but I think he thought I wasn't really making any sense. I am a person who is elusive and fleeting. Anyways, he said something and he pulled the straps of my dress back and forth. I also said I have a dress, but I don't want to wear it because it looks too slutty. He said he wants to see me wear the dress. He was definitely sexually aroused. He wanted me. But I didn't give myself to him. Instead, I just slept. He patted on my head and left the room. I am just amazed by how good I am at seduction -teasing him back and forth.
I don't honestly remember much after that but I think he really liked me for real. When we took the group picture, I could feel the love emanate from his eyes. One of Shelly's friend commented asking if we are a couple. I honestly think he could relax, as he had said, when he was with me because I am not judgmental and I don't question him. When we went out to get dinner, I could feel from the way he looked at me that he really liked me. And for me, I enjoyed the attention. When they did a face mask thing, he tried to drag me out of my room to join him. He also seemed impressed when Shelly told him that I had done something emotional for her because she was leaving early.
At this time, I was a bit uncomfortable with the overwhelming attention and desire he showed me. I have intimacy issues and I could not process whatever he was giving me. On the presentation day, I avoided him a lot. He noticed it. I was also tired of trying to be the cute one because I am not that cute in real life. But I knew that he liked my so-called cuteness, and I had to be cute because I needed to establish my position in the group. I am not very capable or smart (or I was just not confident in myself), so I needed to be someone in the group so that I can survive. I think I played the role of a means of relaxation for the supposed leader of the group, which was him.
When we went to dinner as a group, he had his arm on my shoulder the whole time. I had a horrible stomachache so I don't remember much, but I think we took some pictures together where he just seems really happy to be with me. We talked about our ideal significant other, and he described his as someone mature. I said it's something you feel, rather than something you think with your head. Because he said someone mature, and I am nine years younger than him, I thought he had absolutely no interest in me. At least, I thought that what he said contradicted how he acted. On the way back, he confided how he feels lonely. I felt his vulnerability. He comes out as strong and sometimes ruthless, but he is actually extremely sensitive. He was kind of holding onto my shoulders as we walked back to the dorm. Sadako said that's how Oppa gets girls. True.
Last day
We had a gala dinner, so we had to get properly dressed up. I wore a Chinese qipao and heels. I had my hair up. I remember him trying not to look at me, but when he thought I wasn't looking, he was sneaking a look. He told me that Catherine is also wearing qipao but I looked so much more beautiful than her. He thought I thought he liked her. I think he did, but at this point, I had all of his attention. During the gala, I sat away from him because I couldn't bear the attention. It was too much. After that, we took pictures together. When we did, he asked me to put my arm around his. He messaged me; he was looking for me.
After dinner, I went back to the dorm. There was a party somewhere, and he and I decided to go together. I got changed, and I went to pick him up in his room. I entered his room but he was still doing work, so I just sat on the bed. It was late at night and I was tired so I slept on the bed. Again, strategic. I didn't actually sleep. But I was hella tired, that is true. The room smelled of fabric softener. I think I'd actually slept for real a little bit, but then when I realized, he was on me. I was lying on my stomach, and he was lying on my back. I honestly was very uncomfortable because I couldn't breathe. I moved a bit and pretended I did not know what was going on. We went to the party together; on the taxi, he told me how he first had a girlfriend when he was 15 years old and we laughed at the fact that when it happened I was just 6 years old, a baby.
When we got to the party room, we parted our ways. I was peacefully playing cards with Koji and others. God knows what he was doing. After a while, we started drinking. Arty made me drink a lot of whisky so I wasn’t feeling very well. Honestly I felt like throwing up. He was sleeping in the room because he just can’t bear alcohol. I don’t know why, but i opened the door and woke him up, telling him how drunk I was. He woke up and we sat together on a sofa in a dark room. He put his arms around me and comforted me. The sexual tension was immense to be honest. Everything there was just chaos. People smoking weed in the balcony, boys trying to pair up with girls, me dying and him holding me. Then we went out to get fresh air. Everyone was leaving the place to go to some other bar...but we stayed behind. Then we went back to the room and sat on the sofa. I distinctly remember this painting of an Italian beach on the wall because I was intently staring at it.
Me being really drunk and sleepy, I just really shut up. Then he said, “I don’t know but I think I like you.” It was just spur the moment thing I guess. We both knew how impossible it was. We both knew it wouldn’t last. And he didn’t plan to tell me his feeling because he was aware that I am very much leaving the next day. He did say he was thinking about what to do with me. I didn’t know what to say. I knew he liked me and I probably did think he was good too, but considering the situation we were in, there was actually no chance for us to go out. And I didn’t want to start something that won’t last. I wasn’t looking for a temporary thing either. But rationality was completely wiped out with the help of alcohol and unusuality about the situation. I asked him why, and he said you’re always so nice to me, I thought you like me. It was a strategic choice to be nice to him, but maybe I had some sort of feeling for him. Because I didn’t know what to say, he’d assumed I rejected him; he said it’s ok, I hope you find a good guy in Japan. And I told him that I find him attractive too. I was too shy to look at him straight in the eyes. I couldn’t bear the intensity of emotion I was about to receive. But then, when I gathered my courage and looked at him, that was it. He came leaning towards me and kissed me. It’s so difficult for me to write about this without crying. I wasn’t used to kissing so it was just genuinely the most awkward thing I have ever experienced. I really don’t really remember much, but he took me to a darker room back there, and we started making out some more. Let me tell you, I wasn’t and still am not used to this thing. I had my mouth closed while he was trying to put his tongue into my mouth. I repeatedly stopped snugging and told him I just want to cuddle with him. I lay my head on his chest and I felt whole. But then he insisted on kissing me. He was on me, and I was scared because I thought he would want to have sex. I told him that he knows I have never done it. He said don’t worry he won’t do me. He also asked me if I think he’s dirty. It makes me so sad to think about this day. I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t understand how some people can have one night stands. Or just start a relationship that will definitely end. I don’t understand. I can’t do it. Other people don’t matter. It’s a fact that I can’t handle this. He at some point said my lips are soft or something. There was a feeling of imminent destruction in the midst of all the happiness we were feeling - it was like a calm before the storm. Nothing lasts.
After
Was he worth your time?
no.
- Not replying to my texts
- Suddenly disappearing for a week without telling me
- Knowing he cannot give his time for me but still continuing whatever the fuck it was
- Not doing much for my birthday
- Telling me he can come to visit me, but never fulfilling the promise
- Making me feel uncomfortable all the time
- Uploading a picture with Catherine, while very well knowing that I'd see it and get jealous because of our history.
- Touching other girls
- Not disclosing about himself to me
- Telling me he liked me but never caring about how I feel
Who the hell is he?
A human, with his complexity. Good or bad, hard to say.
When I think about him, I have such contradictory emotions -I love him and hate him at the same time. It's crazy. It only proves how emotionally invested I was. When I first started writing the blog, I was filled with hate but halfway through, I was fond of him. This only really proves my point of the complexity of human beings. We aren't simply good or bad; we are a little bit of both. I could write an article of how horrible of a human he is and I have all the points to prove it. But then, I could write another of how amazing he is, and again, I have all the points to prove it again. When it comes to relationships, it is about how much of the undesirable parts of a person we are willing to put up with.
- Untrustworthy?
- Artistic
- Sensitive
- Meticulous (OCD)
Filmmaker
Was it a good decision to block him?
it wasn't the best way to leave him, but it was a good decision to leave him.
I still suffer from guilt. We all know how uncomfortable I felt, but it just wasn't a good way to go. I should've told him why I'm doing this instead of running away. I sincerely feel sorry for him and I wish I could apologize. I could, in fact, apologize. Why don't I apologize? Why am I apologizing all the time? I do not wish to communicate with him in any way. He inflicted so much pain. I remember just feeling like I was in a bottomless pit all the time. It was not only affecting my mental health but also physical health. It was just one of the worst periods of my life. I know there are some elements which are mine to blame, but I was young and weak. Stupid. Ignorant. I didn't know how to bring myself out of that dreadful situation. Well, I did eventually, but it took so much time and effort. I learned that I should always try to communicate and never fake. Always stay honest even if you feel scared.
What did you learn about yourself?
- my sensitivity
- why i cant say what i want
- why i want to be liked by others
- why i hold on
For future
I forgive him and I move on
Be such an attractive woman, find someone better, and be happy.
what i learned
- how dangerous emotions are and how to control them
- technique of seduction
- danger of expectation
- not trusting people too easily
- communicate well
- interest in east asia
emotion is important in pursuing passion
- danger of trying to be liked by others
