Weekly Report

2019/07/23

Hello Riho！！！ So today I had an exam for international Trade on the first period. I literally started preparing for it like a week before and I was too lazy to study for it yesterday. Well, I literally died. So the professor gave us slides to study for, and the test was exactly what was on the slide, but unfortunately I didn’t even take a look at the slides. I was in complete despair. But a few hours later, the professor released the result of the exam; the average is 20/100. WHAT THE FUCK. how can any exam be so difficult that the average is 20%. He is ducking insane. So, each question was 5 points. If I get four of them correct, I will likely pass. But at this point, I’m not even confident I got four answers right. I’ll have to forget this now and move onto my next exam. Like throughout the course of this week, I have painstakingly learned the importance of コツコツやること. You can’t just study the day before and expect to pass. Life ain’t that easy.

2019/07/24

I studied all day from morning till night.

I just regret how stupid I was to have left everything until the end. My friends tell me I shouldn’t have wasted my time on internships because 外資系企業 looks at GPA. and as for now, my GPA is plummeting. I thought I could handle both. But I couldn’t. I need to learn from my mistakes. I intend to continue long term internship next term as well, so I need to establish a mechanism to make both work. I think I could’ve done both but it was hard to keep motivated.....

I think the biggest problem here is that I tend to be alone most of the time, which greatly narrows my scope of thought.

- I think I should have my friends who advise against me doing too much!

- keep organized using schedule.

- organize your thoughts by forcing yourself to write to Riho

- run to relieve stress

-take classes that don’t require you to go to class

- it’s unhealthy to stay up really late.

- don’t CRAM everything in a short period of time. Do little by little, everyday.

But I learned sooooooooo much this semester. I failed a lot and made a lot of mistakes but I learned profoundly and I hope to make use of lessons I learned to further better myself.

What I learned

- you can’t do a lot of things at once. (I tried to balance internship, seminar, baito, study, job hunting and LITERALLY died)

- you need to really sleep early. Quality sleep helps.

- get rest to be more productive.

- know how blessed you are to be standing here

2019/07/28

This is me, writing, in the morning on the way to the event for my internship.

The day started off rather bad. I was so extremely tired and sleepy from yesterday. So, when I tried to get a cup, I broke a glass. And I did my best to pick the pieces up, but my hysterical mother kept shouting at me nonstop. She is so fucking insane, I really really do not want to be like her. I don’t want to live in this house. I know that they pay for my tuition and everything but it’s just really painful for me to live with people I don’t like. For now, I’m going to minimize interaction with her but do as I am told to avoid conflict. Before, when we got in a fight (or her getting mad at me and me not saying anything), I used to be really affected by it. But now i am not as depressed as I was; I learned to let it go and accept the person as she is. But still, when I start working I’m going to live by myself and get away from these people who have kept denying me my whole life.

Yesterday was so tiring. It was a gathering where people who’ve used our service all gathered- and to my surprise, the CEO of PwC came. It was painful. I don’t know how to socialize. It really makes me hate myself, even though I shouldn’t. I am pretty sure Japan is not for me. Everyone says wanting to get out of Japan is a 逃げ, but is it? If we don’t like something, we should just get away from it. When I’m fully financially independent, I’m gonna get out of this country and live as I like. I don’t know why I have to constantly feel like I’m not enough. My friends are my only salvation. They’re my family because my real family sucks. For Bookkeeping exam, I know it’s bad, but I decided not to take it. I can’t handle the pressure. I’ll do my best to get good grades next term.

One thing I realized is that, after working for the full day and being absolutely exhausted, I don’t have time to think about unnecessary things. I just am so tired. I think it’s good because I tend to think too much and it gets the best of me. I need money, so in the summer, I’ll try to just earn as much money as possible. I decided that I’m not going for big corporate when job hunting. Considering my personality, I’m best fit for research or something that doesn’t require interaction with clients. I just don’t know what to say to these people and it makes me extremely stressed out to deal with insincere people.

I miss my grandpa and grandma. I just want to go to their house, be immersed in their memory and just have a chillaxing time. Why does life gotta be so hard. I miss my friends.

I’ve been suffering from lack of confidence and lethargy that stems from it. It simply is just I think too much about things and it’s a 諸刃の剣。

I decided to list things that I like about myself that I did today and things I’m grateful for.

Today, I had a online meeting. I presented, and it went well. But, because I have a test tomorrow and I was unfocused, and I couldn’t hear what they were saying, so I embarrassed myself like two times. But, they probably don’t remember it after like a day. The important thing here is not your reputation, but whether you can contribute to the organization or not. Even if you embarrass yourself, as long as you make enough contribution, it is alright. Let them think you’re stupid.

Sometimes, because I have been utterly traumatized by the Korean man, I think about him and what was wrong. I think it is high time I just let him go because it will be a year soon. Not one person is completely guilty or innocent; everyone’s somewhere in between, gray zone. He has his goods and bads, just like anyone else. But, what he did was unforgivable and it is not my responsibility to deal with it. It is utterly and completely done and I will not bother myself on this matter any further. I probably will think about it, but I will try to shut it down. I will not stalk him on social media LOL. Nor will I avert my eyes from what happened. There were many things I should’ve done differently, and I am thankful for all the lessons I learned. Now I move on.

MAKE AS MANY FAILURES AS YOU CAN.

Risk involves failures, but not taking risks is the biggest risk.

DONT DWELL. MOVE ON. KEEP GOING.

Even if you fail, don’t think about it. Learn from it and let it go.

DON’T AVERT YOUR EYES FROM PROBLEMS

If you have a problem, face it and keep asking why it happened. Don’t run away from it.

BE CONFIDENT.

Even if you have good ideas and abilities, if you’re not confident, then it all comes out wrong. No matter how hard it is, just TRYING to be confident is a start.

2017/07/26

Oh my god. My exam ended. I did read the book, but it wasn’t enough. It really proved to me that I need to study, one day at a time. I really don’t know if I got the credit or not. But falling this deep, being at the bottom of the pit, taught me once again the importance of コツコツやること。you can’t just try to rush everything at the last minute -it’s bad for your physical and mental health. But I really needed to go to the bottom to realize this. I am going to take this as a lesson to not repeat the mistake later on. But, I really do hope I got the credit. Seriously, so far, I might have dropped credit for international trade and this Chinese history, and I’m most likely to drop credits for bookkeeping, which count for 5 credits. I literally fucked up this semester. I’ll try hard next time.

When I took a shower and I saw a mirror, I realized that my back, arm, and stomach were heavily scarred. I was so shocked. Because of all the stress, I unknowingly scratched myself to the point I was so scarred. When I’m stressed, I start scratching. But life cannot go without stress… I feel so sad and just really bad about myself. Why do I have to endure this. There are so many things I want to do but can’t because of this illness. It makes me so frustrated and angry.

The most important goals I will focus on:

Keep close your family, friends and people in your life. Never feel lonely. Especially, be kind to your parents.

Belong to a community. We, as humans, all need a sense of belonging to be happy.

Keep trying and never give up.

Keep room clean, as it organizes your head.

Even though i decided I would completely abandon bookkeeping, I think I'll try what I can in one day. Maybe I'll fail, but I will try. I will wake up at 7:30, go to school, and do it. I will first focus on 仕訳 and 精算表.