Unconditional love.

My thoughts are disgruntled and all over the place, but here we go.

My whole life, I've felt my emotion and other people's emotions magnified by like four times compared to normal people. That meant I could feel the happiness and love on a larger scale than normal, but then that also meant I felt the anger, frustration and malice.

I've always known how other people felt, even the smallest behavior tells me what that person wants, or thinks. 

My parents have always been strict. I knew what they wanted, and I gave them what they wanted by working too hard. And, because I was so sensitive, I never really shared my deepest thoughts with them. Or with anyone to some extent. I always thought that I need to do my absolute best, and I need to be the best.

And in high school, I was working so hard, balancing 2 hours of commuting, 部活, studying to keep up my position. And that really got to me. At the end of the second year, I was stricken by atopic dermatitis. And what happened to be for the next year, will not be talked about here, because it is very difficult for me to just even remember what happened. I was mostly unconscious most of the time, just wishing I was dead. It was a cry from my body that it can't take anymore stress, so I got to rest.

I guess I had an unusual high school life. At the end of high school, I just wanted to rest. I just got over a literal death and I just wasn't quite completely healed yet physically and emotionally, so I just didn't feel like enjoying my university life.

And that got to me where I am. I was really alone, but I didn't have the social capacity or physical health to go out there and socialize and have fun. BUt I really regret this. BUt regret doesn't really do anything at this point.

I thought I wanted to make something out of this university life, so I went out there, with a goal, and joined circles, seminars, internships and finally interacted with people with all the power I had. I knew I hated human interaction, but I forced myself to do it. And it turned out to be a good choice. I met some great people, and not-so-great people, but I was able to realize that there are good people that are worth socializing in this world. Before I was able to accustom myself to the society, I had to do job hunting. I was just so out of it, I didn't know a lot of people, I didn't know anything. I was so depressed, but with the help of other people, I was able to get an offer from the company I wanted to go. It cost a lot though.

And here came coronavirus pandemic, and I was forced to stay at home. I avoided opening up to my parents because I found them intimidating all my life. But, it forced me to confront them, no matter how difficult and messy it was, and I finally opened up and figured out a way to just have a good relationship with them.

Honestly, I still find them intimidating and they are sometimes very unreasonable, but shutting myself to them is way more stressful than opening up and just fighting them.

I tend to just shut myself out of the world to protect the sensitive self that I am, and I get obsessed with my thoughts, thinking it's absolutely right. But this is not good.

I will just try to stand my ground, say it when I feel it's wrong, instead of just avoiding the person because I don't want to get hurt. I will learn to let go of what people say, not letting it get to my heart. I should do whatever I want, while still taking responsibility for it.

I couldn't have gotten to this conclusion if it weren't for my friends and the unconditional love that my boyfriend has given me.

I feel like just eveyrhting comes at the right timing, when I need it.